Review Express: Spotify’s Global Top 50
2. Lean On by Major Lazer-Annoying
3. Can’t Feel My Face by The Weeknd-Better with Tom Cruise
4. Cheerleader by OMI-Kinda jazzy and fun. Not bad.
5. Where Are Ü Now by Jack Ü-Thought this was Major Lazer
6. Want To Want Me by Jason Derulo-It’s no “Talk Dirty To Me”
7. See You Again by Wiz Khalifa-The Charlie Puth parts are really good.
8. Waiting For Love by Avicii-Not sure how this is different from every other Avicii song.
9. How Deep Is Your Love by Calvin Harris-Vocals are almost as bad as the beat.
10. Good For You by Selena Gomez with A$AP Rocky-Its ok to pass on some collabs, Rock.
11. Trap Queen by Fetty Wap-Flo Rida on LSD
12. I Don’t Like It, I Love It by Flo Rida-That was totally a coincidence.
13. Hey Mama by David Guetta-Like a Nicki Minaj song but more annoying because it’s not a Nicki Minaj song, but there she is. (Also, is it just me or is the hook a total rip off of Rihanna’s “Pon de Replay”?)
14. Are You With Me by Lost Frequencies-Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh
15. Worth It by Fifth Harmony-This one is more like “Talk Dirty To Me” with that funky sax. Derulo was better though.
16. Ain’t Nobody (Loves Me Better) by Felix Jaehn-So it isn’t just American electronic music that sucks.
17. Stole The Show by Kygo-Got offered tix to a Kygo show. Passed after hearing this.
18. The Hills by The Weeknd-They may have eyes, but for their sake I hope the hills don’t also have ears.
19. Watch Me by Silento-Would be a good Lonely Island song.
20. Shut Up And Dance by Walk The Moon-Only song I’d heard before today on this list. Not good but catchy as heck.
21. Photograph by Ed Sheeran-Definitely the Richard Marx for milennials.
22. You Know You Like It by DJ Snake and AlunaGeorge-Pass
23. 679 by Fetty Wap-How does this dude have two songs in the top 25 in the WORLD???
24. Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars-Really? Still???
25. Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran-When this song comes on I can’t think out loud for fear of offending everyone around me with my constant and loud cursing.
26. Cool For The Summer by Demi Lovato-Glee and American Idol (or was it X Factor? I don’t know) didn’t help.
27. El Perdón by Nicky Jam and Enrique Iglesias-No idea what he’s singing about, but it’s better than Ed Sheeran
28. Sugar by Maroon 5-Still a cheap knockoff of “Beat It”
29. Firestone by Kygo-You can probably guess what I think of the less-popular Kygo song.
30. Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding-There was a second a couple years ago when I thought Ellie could be good. It passed quicker than I could hit fast forward on this song.
31. Five More Hours by Deorro and Chris Brown-This song is so bad it almost makes you forget Brown is an abuser of women.
32. Headlights by Robin Schulz and Ilsey-Getting AHEAD of light is impossible. Sorry Schulzy.
33. Runaway (U & I) by Galantis-Too busy to be enjoyable.
34. Bitch Better Have My Money by Rihanna-Keeps falling further and further into self-parody.
35. Fun by Pitbull and Chris Brown-Have you ever heard a song by Pitbull? Then you can skip this one.
36. King by Years & Years-If Avicii wanted to sue, I don’t see how he could lose.
37. All Eyes On You by Meek Mill and Nicki Minaj-Somehow even weaker than Meek’s Drake disses.
38. I Really Like You by Carly Rae Jepsen-I really (53x) don’t care for this.
39. Talking Body by Tove Lo-Someday this song will fade from everyone’s minds and we’ll all think Robyn sang it.
40. GDFR by Flo Rida-How many songs can use this beat? The answer may very well be “All of them.”
41. Sun Is Shining by Axwell-The sun shines on a dogs ass some days.
42. Take Me To Church by Hozier-I’ve been done with this song for like a full year already.
43. This Summer by Maroon 5-This summer might hurt like a mother, but not as bad as the knowledge that Maroon 5 is still a popular band.
44. Time Of Our Lives by Pitbull & Ne Yo-This is the time of our lives, we’re yelling timber…
45. Shots & Squats by Vigiland-If Jersey Shore were still on the air, this would be the new theme song.
46. Omen by Disclosure with Sam Smith-WOW! Disclosure AND Sam Smith?? said no one ever.
47. Black Magic by Little Mix-Little mix, big disappointment.
48. Fight Song by Rachel Platten-If Kelly Clarkson and Pink had a baby and had post-baby Alicia Keys write her songs.
49. Elastic Heart by Sia-How is Sia still popular? I’d swing from a chandelier if I could knock this song off the chart.
50. Earned It by The Weeknd-The soundtrack for 50 Shades Of Grey included this flaccid mood killer.