Review Express: Spotify’s Global Top 50

1. Drag Me Down by One Direction-No

2. Lean On by Major Lazer-Annoying

3. Can’t Feel My Face by The Weeknd-Better with Tom Cruise

4. Cheerleader by OMI-Kinda jazzy and fun. Not bad.

5. Where Are Ü Now by Jack Ü-Thought this was Major Lazer

6. Want To Want Me by Jason Derulo-It’s no “Talk Dirty To Me”

7. See You Again by Wiz Khalifa-The Charlie Puth parts are really good.

8. Waiting For Love by Avicii-Not sure how this is different from every other Avicii  song.

9. How Deep Is Your Love by Calvin Harris-Vocals are almost as bad as the beat.

10. Good For You by Selena Gomez with A$AP Rocky-Its ok to pass on some collabs, Rock.

11. Trap Queen by Fetty Wap-Flo Rida on LSD

12. I Don’t Like It, I Love It by Flo Rida-That was totally a coincidence.

13. Hey Mama by David Guetta-Like a Nicki Minaj song but more annoying because it’s not a Nicki Minaj song, but there she is. (Also, is it just me or is the hook a total rip off of Rihanna’s “Pon de Replay”?)

14. Are You With Me by Lost Frequencies-Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

15. Worth It by Fifth Harmony-This one is more like “Talk Dirty To Me” with that funky sax. Derulo was better though.

16. Ain’t Nobody (Loves Me Better) by Felix Jaehn-So it isn’t just American electronic music that sucks.

17. Stole The Show by Kygo-Got offered tix to a Kygo show. Passed after hearing this.

18. The Hills by The Weeknd-They may have eyes, but for their sake I hope the hills don’t also have ears.

19. Watch Me by Silento-Would be a good Lonely Island song.

20. Shut Up And Dance by Walk The Moon-Only song I’d heard before today on this list. Not good but catchy as heck.

21. Photograph by Ed Sheeran-Definitely the Richard Marx for milennials.

22. You Know You Like It by DJ Snake and AlunaGeorge-Pass

23. 679 by Fetty Wap-How does this dude have two songs in the top 25 in the WORLD???

24. Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars-Really? Still???

25. Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran-When this song comes on I can’t think out loud for fear of offending everyone around me with my constant and loud cursing.

26. Cool For The Summer by Demi Lovato-Glee and American Idol (or was it X Factor? I don’t know) didn’t help.

27. El Perdón by Nicky Jam and Enrique Iglesias-No idea what he’s singing about, but it’s better than Ed Sheeran

28. Sugar by Maroon 5-Still a cheap knockoff of “Beat It”

29. Firestone by Kygo-You can probably guess what I think of the less-popular Kygo song.

30. Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding-There was a second a couple years ago when I thought Ellie could be good. It passed quicker than I could hit fast forward on this song.

31. Five More Hours by Deorro and Chris Brown-This song is so bad it almost makes you forget Brown is an abuser of women.

32. Headlights by Robin Schulz and Ilsey-Getting AHEAD of light is impossible. Sorry Schulzy.

33. Runaway (U & I) by Galantis-Too busy to be enjoyable.

34. Bitch Better Have My Money by Rihanna-Keeps falling further and further into self-parody.

35. Fun by Pitbull and Chris Brown-Have you ever heard a song by Pitbull? Then you can skip this one.

36. King by Years & Years-If Avicii wanted to sue, I don’t see how he could lose.

37. All Eyes On You by Meek Mill and Nicki Minaj-Somehow even weaker than Meek’s Drake disses.

38. I Really Like You by Carly Rae Jepsen-I really (53x) don’t care for this.

39. Talking Body by Tove Lo-Someday this song will fade from everyone’s minds and we’ll all think Robyn sang it.

40. GDFR by Flo Rida-How many songs can use this beat? The answer may very well be “All of them.”

41. Sun Is Shining by Axwell-The sun shines on a dogs ass some days.

42. Take Me To Church by Hozier-I’ve been done with this song for like a full year already.

43. This Summer by Maroon 5-This summer might hurt like a mother, but not as bad as the knowledge that Maroon 5 is still a popular band.

44. Time Of Our Lives by Pitbull & Ne Yo-This is the time of our lives, we’re yelling timber…

45. Shots & Squats by Vigiland-If Jersey Shore were still on the air, this would be the new theme song.

46. Omen by Disclosure with Sam Smith-WOW! Disclosure AND Sam Smith?? said no one ever.

47. Black Magic by Little Mix-Little mix, big disappointment.

48. Fight Song by Rachel Platten-If Kelly Clarkson and Pink had a baby and had post-baby Alicia Keys write her songs.

49. Elastic Heart by Sia-How is Sia still popular? I’d swing from a chandelier if I could knock this song off the chart.

50. Earned It by The Weeknd-The soundtrack for 50 Shades Of Grey included this flaccid mood killer.