One-Sentence Reviews: Spotify Top 50 (2017-Week 1)

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It’s been a while since I talked about the songs Spotify lists as the most listened to in America, so I wanted to bring it back on a more consistent basis. Hopefully labeling this as week 1 will force me to update this more often.

“Bad and Boujee” by Migos feat. Lul Uzi Vert-Pretty good until Lil Uzi Vert’s part comes on.

“Fake Love” by Drake-The backslide started a couple years ago, but I think it could still get worse.

“Starboy” by The Weeknd feat. Daft Punk-This one’s pretty good but I’ll reserve final judgement until I see Tom Cruise perform the karaoke version on Jimmy Fallon.

“Closer” by The Chainsmokers feat. Halsey-This is not a good song.

“I Don’t Wanna Live Forever” by Zayn and Taylor Swift-Neither as irredeemably bad as Fifty Shades movies, nor worth listening to more than once.

“Black Beatles” by Rae Sremmud feat. Gucci Mane-If you can make it past the “Mike Will Made It” drop, you’re a better person than I am.

“Bounce Back” by Big Sean-Come for the monotone delivery, stay for the boring beat.

“Caroline” by Amine-I honestly don’t even know what’s going on in this song.

“Bad Things” by Machine Gun Kelly and Camila Cabello-The dude from Fastball has gotta be turning over in his grave.

“I Feel It Coming” by The Weeknd feat Daft Punk-The bots in Daft Punk need to settle down and maybe only work with The Weeknd once per album.

“Broccoli” by D.R.A.M. feat Lil Yachty-Pretty fun song, but the line “Gonna turn this shit to Columbine” is not fun and actually kind of disgusting.

“Don’t Wanna Know” by Maroon 5 feat Kendrick Lamar-Poor Kendrick.

“Deja Vu” by J Cole-I like this song and most of the album.

“Let Me Love You” by DJ Snake and Justin Bieber-How is this song still getting this many plays?

“X” by 21 Savage feat Future-Pretty misogynist, which I guess is popular these days (maybe these guys should run for office)

“Say You Won’t Let Go” by James Arthur-Finally an heir apparent to Jack Johnson.

“24K Magic” by Bruno Mars-My only question is what Julio is doing during this song…still looking for that stretch?

“In The Name Of Love” by Martin Garrix feat Bebe Rexha-Actually thought this was “Let Me Love You” for a second.

“One Dance” by Drake-Great beat, everything else is bad.

“Chill Bill” by Rob $tone-Interesting use of Ennio Morricone’s “Twisted Nerve,” though it’s wasted once the first verse comes in.

“iSpy” by Kyle and Lil Yachty-Too much talking before the song starts.

“No Heart” by 21 Savage and Metro Boomin-Hopefully by the end of 2017 rap music will lose this beat.

“Party Monster” by The Weeknd-This song is actually pretty good.

“Side To Side” by Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj-The new unholy alliance.

“Starving” by Hailee Steinfeld with Grey and Zedd-Hailee was great in Edge Of Seventeen!

“Sneakin'” by Drake with 21 Savage-Drake sad raps over the most annoying beat ever.

Alessia Cara’s song from Moana-It ain’t “Let It Go,” that’s for sure.

“Heathens” by 21 Pilots-Ugh.

“All We Know” by The Chainsmokers feat Phoebe Ryan-Voices go together well, so this isn’t bad.

“You Was Right” by Lil Uzi Vert-I hope whoever made this beat got paid well because this is like the three thousandth songs I’ve heard it in.

“Mercy” by Shawn Mendes-Like a sorry mix of Sam Smith and Bon Jovi.

“Call On Me” by Starley with Ryan Riback-First time hearing this one, and it sucks.

“Scars To Your Beautiful” by Alessia Cara-“Sit Still Look Pretty” with different lyrics.

“OOOUUU” by Lil M.a.-A drunken fever dream where nothing makes sense and you wake up in a cold sweat.

“No Problem” by Chance The Rapper feat Lil Wayne and 2 Chainz-Not my favorite off Coloring Book, but it’s fine.

“Love Me Now” by John Legend-Such a nice guy, and smart, and talented-I wish his songs were as interesting as he is.

“Neighbors” by J Cole-Probably the best song on For Your Eyez Only.

“Swang” by Rae Sremmurd-The tempo is too slow to keep my interest.

“Too Good” by Drake feat Rihanna-Sorry Ri Ri, he’s with J Lo now.

“Six Feet Under” by The Weeknd-Not as good as the show, but better than being there.

“Just Hold On” by Steve Aoki-Probably fun to dance to at a wedding of an ex or a friend that you haven’t seen in a long time so you don’t care how drunk you are.

“All Time Low” by Jon Bellion-Decent throwback to better times.

“Cold Water” by Major Lazer with Biebs and Mo-Catchy pop song but how is it still on here it’s like a year and a half old.

“Controlla” by Drake-This is one of the worst Drake songs, but not THE worst.

“Sidewalks” by The Weeknd and Kendrick Lamar-Dig that guitar opening, and happy that Kendrick could redeem himself after that Maroon 5 song.

“pick up the phone” by Young Thug with Travis Scott-Caribbean feel ruined by that damn drill production.

“Needed Me” by Rihanna-Made my top songs of 2016, so I like this one.

“Rockabye” by Clean Bandit feat Sean Paul-I honestly thought Sean Paul retired.

“Redbone” by Childish Gambino-YES!

“Immortal” by J Cole-It’s number 50, but easily better than 45 of the songs on this list.

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